During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
