Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think my mom watched the whole time
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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