dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
