I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
