seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
