I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
