there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
