If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
