im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
