i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
