I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
