All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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