I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize