Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
