and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
