I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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