I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
