I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bring me that man meat
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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