HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
