My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
