Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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