i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
