barbara walters just said penis...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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