So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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