Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
did you just send me my own nude
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
