My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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