If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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