Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The power of my boobs compel you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
