Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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