I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
