he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
