1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
