Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
