your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
