Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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