Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
