Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
