I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
