You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
it hurts more in the daytime
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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