I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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