I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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