Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
