After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
