i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
