were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
