You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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