Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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