we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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