Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have aggressive nipples.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
