My friends, they love my intelligence
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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