I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
