dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
whose parrot is this?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
