K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
