You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
