i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
