Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
