I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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