I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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