Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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