oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
