if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
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I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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