you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
