i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
