Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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