He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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