Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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